What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 01:43
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She found it foreign!.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But it wasn’t much.
As i do to all so called friends.?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
When was the first time your wife had beastiality?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She loved him until the end.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Ive learnt so much.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why are people nowadays so into anal sex?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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I think the readers, may guess!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was very sick at this time too.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He resisted the act ,that day.
She married twice! .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I have no regrets .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We were not on the streets..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was 9 years of age.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But ive been too sick for many years..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
When she asked me how she looked .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But, we were locked up after school.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We all went to grammer schools
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
So, i spoilt her more .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She wouldn,t have been !
Put me off passion for life!!
Would this be the day?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He knew the spot.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
What did i know ?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My family never makes their pension either.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I couldn’t, believe it.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im still living with it.
Comes on , in middle age.
I write beautiful poetry .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Who then, do I blame.?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I will be 64.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was seconnd youngest,
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My life is so biszare .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
This is soul school!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I waited trembling.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I don,t even have a pension.
I said to her
One cannot live in the past .
And i lived it daily.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
All the time i was locked up.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
(And it was in our own minds.)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She was in good health!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
So whats the point in blame.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Why did i forgive my father ?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
It was going to be , some day.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was scared of men, in general
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !